Books n shapes

A geometry teacher is having difficulty starting his car. A passing statistics teacher suggests his battery might be flat. The geometry teacher replies "What shape is it supposed to be?"

A capacitor was arrested after beating somebody up. He was charged with battery.

Some books I have read recently:
Murder Mysteries by Hugh Dunnit
Falling off Cliffs by Ilene Dover
Three Strokes of the Cane by her brother, Ben Dover

Courtesy: Blue-eyed boy

Guess the name

Ramu attends a lecture. After that he goes to the canteen and orders a pav. as he begins to eat the pav he realises that the word jannat is written on the plate under the pav. Now tell what's the name of the proffessor whose lecture Ramu attended?
A: Ishq Ki Chhaon. Because Jinke "Sir" ho Ishq ki Chhaon Pav ke neeche Jannat hogi....

Courtesy: Smilin assassin

Hope unlimited

What's the height of hope?
A: A 99 year old woman going in for the Hutch ka naya lifetime scheme.

Courtesy: Nupur Sen

Cricket fever!

How would people have referred to ex-Indian cricket captain Azharuddin had his complexion been a couple of shades darker?
A: Kala Azhar.

Courtesy: Tridib

Gangsta's paradise

What did the underworld don's son say to his dad after he sat for an exam?
A: They questioned me for three hours dad, but I didn't tell them a thing.

Courtesy: BP Jaseel

In a line

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

To err is human, to moo bovine.

Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2.

Courtesy: Dull Men's Club

New models

One day Raghu went to shop for a mobile phone. He checked out many models in a shop and saw one he thought was very different from the rest. Tha phone kept shouting "Hello! Nice to meet you."
Raghu asked the shopkeeper why it was doing so. The shop-keeper replied, "Oh that phone! That's cause it's user-friendly!"

Bollywood fever

Bollywood made a film on man-eating tigers and called it 'Kaal'. Guess what they are calling their potential blockbuster on flu-causing chicken?
A. Cull! (Which also explains why they are calling the film's main villain a dangerous chick.)

Courtesy: Tridib

Faster than your eyes

Why is milk the fastest thing known to mankind?
A: Because it's past-your-eyes before you even see it!

What hospital ward are cigarettes put in?
A: The menthol ward!

Courtesy: Blue-eyed boy

Missing alphabets

What letter of the alphabet is missing from oasis?
There is Noe'l' in Oasis!

Courtesy: Blue-eyed boy

Rain or shine!

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night,when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife."No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.
Just then they saw a communist party official walking toward them."Let's not fight about it," the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied:"Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."

Courtesy: Newsnight

Lost and found

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I've lost an electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first says, “Yes, I'm positive.”

Courtesy: Stupidboy

Please bear with this

A bear walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What can I get you?"
The bear replies, "I'll have a gin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and tonic."
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"
The bear replies, "I was born with them."

What do John The Baptist and Kermit The Frog have in common?
A: Same middle name.

Courtesy: Dull Men's Club

Future plan(t)s

Once a corn plant, a tomato plant and a potato plant started businesses separately. Whose business do you think did the best?
A: Not sure but definitely Corn banega crorepati.

Cross chickens

What is a chicken crossing the road called?
A: Poultry in motion.

Dad: Do you know what to do if, when you are driving by an airport, and you see a "low flying aircraft" sign?
Son: Let some air out of the tires.

Two brooms were hanging together in a closet. After a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The wedding was lovely.
At the wedding dinner following the wedding the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom."
"Impossible," said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together."

Courtesy: Dull Men's Club

Chicken or egg

First man: What came first - the chicken or the egg?
Second man: Depends on which you order first.

Son (while filling up a form): Dad, what should I write against mother tongue.?
Father: Very long!

Courtesy: Anjali Shukla

Lions Club

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

Courtesy: Stupidboy

Golfing truths

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.

A guy was sitting in a nearly empty bar having some beers. He finished one and asked the bartender for another. He gave the guy another beer, along with a free bowl of peanuts. As he sat enjoying the nuts and beer, he heard a voice: "Whoa, man, do you look great today!"
He looked around, but there was no one there.
"Nice shoes. And I just love that sweater, it looks so good on you!"
Bartender, did you hear that? I keep hearing voices saying how good I look and stuff, but there's no one around. What's going on here??
"It's the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

Courtesy: M. Doyle

Simple mathematics

Three old men go for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"?
"274" was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Courtesy: Stupidboy

Pain relief

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Courtesy: Smilin assassin

A balanced diet

A man went to see his doctor with severe constipation. "What do you normally eat?" the doctor asked him. "Snooker balls," the man replied. "Snooker balls?" the doctor asked in surprise. "Yes, snooker balls," the man replied. "For breakfast, I have the black and the blue. At lunch, I eat the reds and the pink and for supper I have the brown and the yellow." "Ah, I think I know your problem," the doctor said. "You're not eating enough greens."

Courtesy: Hari Krishnan

Great men are alike!

What is the similarity between Lord Krishna, Jesus, Mahatma Gandhi?
A: They were all born on public holidays

Courtesy: Devidutta Tripathy

Let's face the music

A man spent his life looking for the grave of Mozart. When he finally had done his homework and pinpointed the location, he set out to dig up the grave to see if there were any scores that he may have taken with him, making the man famous.
When he finally arrived at the spot and started digging, he noticed a faint light growing brighter the further down he dug. When he finally broke through the soil to where Mozart's grave was, he was shocked to find the musician erasing pages and pages of music.
After a short time the man got up the courage to ask what Mozart was doing to which Mozart replied, "I'm decomposing."

Courtesy: Smilin assassin

Better watch out

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

Courtesy: Stupidboy

Let the dust settle down

A Jamacian bin man can't find a bin so he asks the guy "Where's your bin?"
The guy replied "I've just been on holiday to the Italian Riviera."
Bin man: "No, where's your dust bin?"
Guy: "I've just been on holiday to the Italian Riviera."
BM: "No! where's your wheely bin?"
Guy: "Really, I've been on holiday to the Italian Riviera!"

Courtesy: Blue-eyed boy

Kissing truths

Never kiss a lawyer 'cause she may object
Never kiss a nurse 'cause she would say next
Always kiss a teacher 'cause she will say repeat it 5 times and do it tomorrow.

Courtesy: Ganesh Nagarajan

Serious problem

My heart problem has reached such a critical stage that my doctor says there are only two options left....
I.C.U. or ...... U C me.

Courtesy: Nupur Sen

Nose-talgia

What would you find inside a very clean nose?
A: Lots of fingerprints.

Courtesy: Anil D'silva

Criss cross

What do you get when you cross Jack the Ripper with Kellogg's cornflakes?
A: A cereal killer!

Courtesy: Scout

Secret of success

Why is the person who makes fake bank notes successful in life?
A: Because he forges ahead.

What did the Spanish fireman call his twin boys?
A: José and Hose-B!

What's black and white and red all over?
A: A newspaper!

How do you make a Swiss roll?
A: Push him down a mountain!

What's black-white-black-white-black-white-black-white?
A: A nun (or a penguin) rolling down a hill!

Courtesy: Blue-eyed boy

This one takes the cake

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Courtesy: Stupidboy

Twin brothers!

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

Courtesy: Alliance talk

Let's have some pun

There was a woman who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms. "How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head. BONG! "That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower.
A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?" Quasimodo came out and said...
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"


Courtesy: Butler

Experiments with truth

I was doing some experiments in the laboratory the other day.
I dipped a gazelle in some Nitric acid - it melted but nothing too exciting happened.
I sprinkled shrimps into Sulphur - they got burnt slightly, but it wasn't that spectacular.
I then dropped a Panda into some Ammonia - suddenly, there was pandemonium everywhere!

One day George Bush's had completely dissolved and he had flopped onto the floor, a quivering jelly-like mass."Mr. President!" exclaimed the PA. "What happened?"The President tried to reply but just wobbled in response.
"Shall we call Dick Cheney?" asked the Press Secretary.
"No," said the PA. "His heart is weak enough as it is."
"So, what can we do?"
"Well, I have a radical idea. We could make a George Bush-shaped mold and pour him into it and then leave him in the fridge for an hour or so."
"I don't think that is wise."
"Why not?"
"It could set a President."

Courtesy: Thinctanc

Woo one, woo all

Why is it easier to woo Andhra girls?
A: Cause most of them are reddy.

Learn grammar the easy way

Teacher: Define pronoun.
Student: A noun that has lost its amateur status.

Courtesy: Tuhin Subhra Kar

It's a mad mad world

How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.

Why did the furniture salesman take six backless chairs to the doctor'soffice?
A: Because the doctor wanted to get a stool sample.

Courtesy: Smilin assasin

Air today, gone tomorrow

Daddy balloon tells baby balloon that he is too old to sleep in his parents bed any more and from tonight he must sleep alone in the nursery.
Baby balloon is very upset but tries to sleep alone in the nursery that night. By midnight it has become too much and he sneaks into his parents room.
He tries to snuggle in between his parents but they are too close together.He can't get between his parents and is very upset, but suddenly he has a brainwave and he lets a little air out of his father, not enough, so he lets a little air out of his mother .... still not enough so he lets a little air out of himself and all's well as he falls asleep between his parents.
In the morning his father is furious and tells him off "I'm very annoyed about your behaviour last night" says daddy balloon, "you've let me down, you've let your mother down but worst of all you've let yourself down!"

What's the diference between a tire and 365 cheese cakes?
A: Ones a goodyear, the other's a great year!

Courtesy: Blue-eyed boy

Matrix reloaded

What do you get when you cross Keanu Reaves with Hitler?
A: A Neo-Nazi!

If you can't wait for your next birthday, make spaghetti. Know why?
A: To pasta time.

Two green beans are walking down the street. A truck comes along and runs over one – squishes him flat. They rush him to the hospital and work on him for hours, while the first green bean paces in the waiting room. Finally, the doctor comes out."So, Doc, how is he?"
"Well, I have good news and I have bad news."
With a sigh, the green bean says, "Ok, give me the good news.""We were able to save your friend. He's going to make it"
"That's wonderful! Thank God! But....what's the bad news?"
The doctor takes a deep breath and says, "I'm afraid he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."

Courtesy: Stupidboy

Nationality matters

Two athletes meet at an Olympic village.

First guy: Are you a pole vaulter?
Second guy (angrily) : Did I ask you for your country. and how did you know my name was Walter?

For no fault of his

Q: What do you call a finicky thief?
A: A vault-finder!

Courtesy: Scout

A different site to see

What happens if you get food poisoning when you are tourist?

A: You become a loo-rist.

Courtesy: Cappucino

Ear he goes again!

A man goes to his doctor.

Tom: Doctor there is something horribly wrong with my ears.
Doctor: What are the symptoms.
Tom: Oh that's easy. They are a yellow cartoon family.

Heart attack explained

Explain:
1) Smoking
2) Drinking
3) Charas
4) Ganja
5) Chicken
6) Mutton
7) Oily food
8) Masala
9) Obesity
10) Pollution

= Heart Attack.
How?
.
A: DUS bahane karke le gaye DIL !!

Courtesy: Scout

Run-dakka Run-dakka

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get 'exhaust'ed.

Courtesy: Cappuccino

Kya dialogue mara!

A keyboard wanted to act. So he went around asking for roles to do. Eventually it got Shah Rukh Khan's in Darr. He was required to mouth the famous dialogue"K-k--k-k-k-kkkiran." But try as much it couldn't. Why?

A: It was K (case) sensitive.

Fish off!

Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, it smells a bit fishy round here.

Courtesy: Blue-eyed boy

In a class of his own

Poor Pandu. Student, erratic perfomer who always managed to flunk, and never made it beyond Class VI. What was his teacher's remark?
A: Form is temporary, class is permanent.

Courtesy: Kunal Talgeri

Last knock on the door

Knock knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
Boo hoo! India lost the match!

Courtesy: Scout

Licence to kill

Tom: Did you hear about that actress who got stabbed? Reese... Reese something.
Paul: Witherspoon?
Tom: No, with a knife.

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.

There were two fish in a tank. One of them said to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"

Courtesy: Stupidboy

For the tamils

Once a teacher asked her students what they wanted to be when they grew up...

Arun: I want to be a engineer.

Suresh: I want to be the world's best doctor.

Preethi: I want to be the a good mother.

Suresh: Preethiku naan guarantee.

Lose your mind

What would you call the tobacconist who has lost his mind?
A: Manic-Chand

Courtesy: Kunal Talgeri

Piece of mind

When Hari ordered a pizza, the man at the counter asked him,
"You want it cut into four or eight pieces?"
"Better make it four," said Hari. "I'd never be able to eat eight!"

Courtesy: Stupidboy

Weighted ones

A husband got in big trouble after his wedding anniversary. His wife told him the day before: "Tomorrow there better be something for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat." The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.

I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

Courtesy: Akshay Lodaya

Mickey the writer

One day Mickey and Donald had a fight. Donald pressed Mickey against the wall and gave him a severe thrashing. A few days later Mickey was seen writing the Ramayana. Why?

A: Cause he had become "Wall" Mickey!

Courtesy: Anant Vijay Kala

Food for thought

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

A cheeseburger walks in to a bar and orders a beer. The bartender said "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here!!"

Courtesy: Stupidboy

Until next year

Sardarjee to Sunita: "I want to marry you"
Sunita: "But I am one year elder to you."
Sardarjee: "No Problem, then I will marry you next year."

Courtesy: Vadahole

Phoney help

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

Two blondes walk into a building.... .. you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Courtesy: Stupidboy

Tracking down animals

Three blondes are lost in a wood. They find some tracks. "Look!" says the first blonde, "It's a rabbit, we can follow it and eat it.
"The second blonde pipes up "No, it's quite clearly wolf footprints. We should run away."
The third blonde looks baffled. Then the train hits them

Table manners

Two flies on a bit of shit, one farts, the other one says "do you mind I'm eating my dinner".

Cool elephants

Q: How do you put a pink elephant in the fridge?
A: Open the door, put the elephant in, shut the door.

Q: How do you put a purple hippo in the fridge?
A: Open the door, take the pink elephant out, put the purple hippo in, close the door.


Courtesy: Scout

The last of the knocks

Knock knock
Who's there?
Nicholas
Nicholas who?
Nicholas girls shouldn't climb trees!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Isabell
Isabell who?
Isabell working?
I didn't hear it.

Courtesy: Blue-eyed boy

Poetic license!

Which poem do you get when you cross Rabindranath with William Blake?

A: Tagore Tagore burning bright....

Which poem do you get when you cross Wordsworth with Eminem?

A: The Solitary Rapper.

Courtesy: Gaurav Sabnis

Twin trouble

What is the twin of Kate called???
A: Duplicate

Courtesy: Ace of Spades

Twinkle twinkle superstar

Q: Why are there no elephants in Bollywood?
A:They can't run around trees without knocking them down.

Q: Why doesn't Rajnikanth fight elephants in Tamil movies?
A:He can't get them to jump in the air when he hits them.

"Bengalis do not have 's' sound and Oriyas do not have 'sh'. So when Bengalis sing 'God shave the queen', Oriyas shout 'Same, same'."

How do Greens save on toilet paper?
They use both sides.

Courtesy: Anil D'silva

In the non-company of women

Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?
Because he had no-body to go with!

Courtesy: Blue-eyed boy

Law of the masses

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Teacher: Photons have mass.
Student: I didn't know they were catholic!

Liar lawyer!

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a Godfather?
An offer you can't understand.


Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To see if the chicken had whiplash.

Courtesy: Stupidboy

Jokes no bar

A man walks into a bar and asks the barmaid for a double entendre. So she gave him one.


Courtesy: Blue-eyed boy

We two, ours?

I am the youngest in the family. My brothers are called Rahmat Elahi (by God's kindness), Barkat Elahi (by God's grace) and Mahbub Elahi (beloved of God). As for me, I am Bas Kar Elahi (God that is enough).


Courtesy: Anil D'silva

Let's make music

When George Bush met Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas for the first time.

Abbas: Hi, I am Abbas.

Bush: Abbas!!! Loved your song Dancing Queen.

The real Koalas

Q: Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead

Q: Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
A: He got hit by the first koala

Q: Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
A: He thought it was a game

Q: Why did the Australian fall off his bike?
A: He got hit in the head by three falling koalas


On a hot day in New Delhi (is there any other kind of day in New Delhi?) Two [East] Indian doctors were having a discussion: "I tell you it is spelt W-O-O-M."
"NO, it's definitely spelt W-H-O-O-M."
An old lady passing by remarked, "Gentlemen, I'm afraid that you're both wrong. It's actually spelt W-O-M-B". One doctor turns to the other and declares, "I bet she's never even SEEN a hippotamus let alone heard one fart underwater!"


Courtesy: Anil D'silva

Negative vibes!

A linguistics professor giving a lecture explains that in English, prescriptive grammar dictates that a double negative creates a positive. For instance "I ain't got no money" would translate as "I have money."
He then goes on to explain that in most languages, using two positives will create a more emphatic positive.
However, the proffessor concludes, in no language does a double positive create a negative. A student, in the back of the class, shouts "Yeah, right!"

Courtesy: Blue-eyed boy

Save the egg

Why are eggs being declared endangered?

A: Cause they are being poached big time.

Dog drink

How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a liquidiser!

I call my newt Tiny, why?
Because he's my newt!

Courtesy: Blue-eyed boy

Your momma so fat jokes

Your momma so fat, when she jump for joy, she get stuck!

Your momma so fat, she has her own zip code!


Courtesy: Scout

Let's get serious

An astronomer looks at the sky through a telescope, searching for something. After a while he stands up, looks to the heavens, and yells, "You cannot be Sirius!"

A lady goes to a butcher shop complaining about some hot dogs she had just bought. "The middle is meat," she exclaimed, "but the ends are sawdust!" "Well," said the butcher. "These days it's hard to make ends meat."


Courtesy: Stupidboy

Gandhiji rocks!

Gandhiji’s war cry?
Keep walking.

What did the Boeing pilot say before crashing?
Mayday! Boing…Boing…Gone!

What was the geology teacher’s favourite line?
Geology rocks.

The favourite T-shirt line of pigs?
Shit happens.


Courtesy: Fool on the Hill

Water water everywhere!!!

Teacher: If you have a glass of sea water and a glass of fresh water, how will you distinguish them?

Student: The glass of sea water will have waves in it.

Luvaria!

Once Luv and Kush were walking. Suddenly Luv trips falls into a gutter. Why?

A: Cause Luv is blind.

After sometime Kush also falls into the gutter. Why?

A: Cause Luv ke liye Kush be karega.

What is Dharamendra's favourite drink?

A: Dog's blood. Cause he keeps telling -- Kutte, Mein Tera Khoon Pi Jaunga.


Courtesy: Deepak Kumar